It's the middle of the day here, and I find myself in bed. Mind you, we just moved into our new place and have no furniture yet, so essentially sitting on the guest bed or on the floor are my only options for in-the-house computing... But still, I look longingly at the covers and just want to crawl right in.
Some part of me, however, whispers: "Write. Just write." A funny thing has happened. I have the most amazing friends, who have been writing emails and texts saying they're enjoying the blog. Amazing. While this has mainly been a way for me to keep my own sanity during this transition process, it's incredible knowing that other people get enjoyment from reading about our nutty lives here. Yet still... my recovering-perfectionist self now finds incredible ways to rear its ugly head. As soon as I even think about writing a blog post, there's a voice that now says, "No one's gonna care about that" or "You really need to do more research before writing about that -- you have smart friends; what are you thinking?!"
So despite that, I find myself writing now anyway... more because the other option right now is to sleep, and I think I'll just feel too guilty napping mid-day on a working weekday like this.
So while I know I owe you guys a baseball blog, here's what's actually on my mind today. I'm tired. As in, the first thought that was on my mind when I woke up today was: "I can't wait for tonight when I can sleep again." And that tiredness is seeping into other aspects of life -- today is one of those days when the simplest of things just seems overly hard: the cell phone place won't accept my foreign credit card ("it's impossible"); then despite pressing "English" on the ATM machine, the display remains in Korean except for the words: "Incorrect pin" -- which keeps popping up again and again even though I know it's the right pin. With two parts of my head vying for prominence ("Do whatever you need to re-enter modern society and get your cell phone working again!" or "Let's just go home and lie in bed") -- today's the type of day where the lazy, let's-call-it-a-day side wins.
I do feel comforted knowing somewhere deep inside that it's really not laziness that's taken a hold of me. One of my mentors wrote me shortly after I arrived here, saying: "All overwhelming I am sure, at least it would be for me, though you are accustomed to doing this. Doesn't make it easier, so make sure you apply patience. Moving is one of the most traumatic events in adult lives -- second only to death of a loved one!"
I'm not sure if that makes me feel better or worse, but at least I know I'm not going crazy.
I've been doing a lot of reflection over the last few days about happiness. It's kindda hard not to here, when the entire society seems fixated on happiness (see my restaurant bill below; also, one of Tyler's mandatory Samsung readings was a case study asking why Koreans aren't happy). I reflected on Gretchen Rubin's book, The Happiness Project, and considered whether to do one of my own here (the idea being that you focus on different elements of happiness over the course of a year or however-long you want).
The thing is, though, I'm not sure that happiness is the end goal. Shortly before I left for Korea, my friend Robert and I met for what-had-become our regular Bryant Park breakfasts. We talked about the difference between happiness and purpose, which can be summed up brilliantly in this Atlantic article called, "There's More to Life than Being Happy."
In it, the author writes that "it is the very pursuit of happiness that thwarts happiness." She tells the powerful story of Viktor Frankl, a prominent Jewish psychiatrist and neurologist in Vienna, who was arrested and brought to a Nazi concentration camp in 1942. Surviving the camps, he wrote Man's Search for Meaning, in which he explored resilience to suffering in the concentration camps. He wondered why given the same circumstances, some fellow prisoners committed suicide, while others were able to find meaning even in the most horrific of circumstances. Frankl wrote, "Everything can be taken from a man but one thing -- the last of the human freedoms -- to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way." His own personal story is powerful -- highly recommend the article if you have time.
The main takeaway for me is that there's a world of difference between pursuing a happy life versus pursuing a meaningful life. Happiness is about feeling good., whereas purpose and meaning provide you with a deep sense of "why" in your life. Put in the same horrific circumstances, the person pursuing happiness can wonder "what's the point?", whereas the person who knows his purpose is able to find meaning (for Frankl, he saw his purpose as helping his parents through the ordeal of the concentration camp, and became a de-facto therapist to fellow inmates in the camp). Once you have the "why", it becomes easier to withstand almost any "how." Powerful stuff.
Being in Korea is a blank slate of sorts. It's an incredible opportunity to create a purposeful life. There are no expectations, social obligations, or work meetings for much of my day. Whereas I spent much of the last six months between physical therapy three times a week and work calls/meetings, now much of my day is gloriously and exhilaratingly open. For the last year or so, I've had this "manifesto" on my desk top: "This is your life. Do what you love and do it often. It you don't like something, change it. If you don't like your job, quit... Stop over analyzing. Life is short... Live your dream and share your passion."
But here's the thing. I'm tired. As I write this, I'm considering going downstairs to Starbucks, even though I've long given up caffeine. The thought of living my dream and sharing my passion just seems exhausting right now.
There's a blogger I follow who recently wrote: "I bow down to life, and I trust it has my back, even when I don't particularly want to hear its instructions:
Life: Go back to bed.
Me: But I don't want to.
Life: Rest child, good things are coming.
Me: But I have a plane to catch!
Life: Not today, you don't!
I'm feeling a bit of that right now. Even my morning meditations (i.e. breathing, for goodness sake) exhaust me. My meditation teacher here says, "Of course they do. You just moved across the world. You're only kidding yourself when you tell everyone that you're just fine." (No really, guys, I'm just fine!)
The truth is, I am fine. And I'm tired. In thinking about purpose, I can't help but think about Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. Here I am thinking about self-actualization and purpose, when there's still work to be done on my (albeit, extremely post-modern) basic needs of sleep, food, water, and shelter. Right now, our apartment (which I absolutely love) is still unfurnished and we're sleeping on the floor. Given my lack of sleep, it becomes quite difficult to have the will-power to eat well -- which has been manifesting itself in a donut a day (I justify it by having the red bean donut -- it's a cultural experience! Also, Tyler serves as my usual check on these types of things... I recently remarked (as we were leaving Krispy Kreme): "I'm surprised you haven't been saying anything about my donut habit!", to which he responded, "You just moved to Korea for my job... you can eat whatever you want!" -- dangerous logic...)
In a recent interview, Gretchen Rubin remarked that one of her cornerstones of happiness is getting seven hours of sleep. At the end of the interview, she challenges everyone watching to 7+ hours of sleep for fourteen days. I can only think that has to apply to living one's purpose as well.
They say that if you really want to get something done, commit to that thing publicly (the only time I've ever been able to meet my goal of 10 glasses of water a day was doing a group bet with Tyler, Katie, and Andrew over the summer). So here goes: for the next 14 days, I commit to getting in bed by 10:30pm (no, really, I do!!) and getting 7 1/2 hours of sleep for at least five days each week (let's be realistic here). The next time you email or text, feel free to ask me how it's going.
And so with a nod to both Rubin and Maslow, here is my own personal 90-day "Purpose Project" plan to slowly bring me up the purpose rungs as I transition here:
- October: Basic -- Getting the fundamentals right -- getting enough sleep, good food, and water... and moving into our new home!
- November: Safety -- Beginning to develop a sense of belonging -- becoming conversational in Korean, setting up our home, taking care of health
- December: Love -- Building community and traditions; being surrounded by friends and family and building a tribe here
Those who know me well know I love creating plans... and sticking with them is another story. So feel free to drop a line and see how this whole big experiment is going! -- I can always use the accountability.
And don't worry, I haven't forgotten about baseball... As is usually the case, Tyler gets me to up my game. While I was planning on sharing a few photos from a local baseball game and share my take on the culture of baseball here, he tells me, "Don't forget to write about the economics of baseball here too!" Um, that will require a little research. More to come....
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