I've been thinking about behavior change a lot lately. After all, it's been at the heart of my work for the last nine years since finishing grad school. How might we change a woman's behavior so that she chooses to deliver her baby at a hospital instead of at home? How might we change a nurse or a doctor's behavior so that once the woman arrives at the hospital, she is given high quality care that helps ensure healthy outcomes for her and her baby? Of course, it's much more complicated that one single person and this person's choice. It's all about the system itself: how the system has enabled the current behavior and outcome ("a system is perfectly designed to get the results it gets"), and what can be changed at a systems level to generate improvement.
Some say you're drawn to the very work you need yourself (others say the work "finds" you for the exact same reason... those drawn to heal are those who themselves need the most healing, these folks argue). And maybe that's true for me. My work revolves around the very human gap between what we know and what we do.
And as I continue to learn, a key driver of that vast gap are the habits that we -- as individuals, organizations, and systems -- have instilled that now bind us, whether for good (brushing our teeth every day) or for bad (knowing we should go to sleep but watching just one more episode). There's a quote by John Dryden I like that says: "We first make our habits, and then our habits make us."
Now that we're starting to transition from survival mode to one of more sustainability on the home front, I've been giving this topic of habits and rituals more thought recently -- primarily along the lines of considering what rituals I'd like to start with Elliot (I basically define a ritual to be like a habit, but with more intention and purpose, and infused with meaning). The habit and ritual I'm most proud of is doing evening gratefuls with Tyler -- a ritual we began during our engagement. We're far from perfect about doing it every day (especially now with Elliot and our usual schedule being turned topsy-turvy), but we do it more days than not. It's a ritual popularized by Dr. John Gottman (and shared with us by our pre-Cana teacher), and while he focuses on several daily rituals for a happy marriage (asking what your partner is most excited for each morning; focusing on reconnection when you come home from work (our teacher called this "beating the dog" in excitement to see your partner); and the six second kiss), we've found the nightly gratefuls to be the real lynchpin (in fact, when we start to feel less connected or start to snap at each other, I've learned to ask myself: "how have we been doing on our gratefuls?" instead of going down a negative spiral).
This morning, as I watched Elliot sleep, I started to think more about habits and rituals -- even getting my copy of Charles Duhigg's "The Power of Habit Out" (I don't know if this is the marker of a great book or an awful one, but I bought this copy in the airport on my way over to Korea... only to discover when I started reading it on the plane that I had already read it!!!). (As another aside, I had a huge a-ha moment when I realized once Elliot woke up this morning that I can read anything to him for morning reading time... especially when the cover is bright yellow and red, with tactile designs, thank you publishers.)
In it, Duhigg talks about habits both in individuals and in organizations, and writes about the "golden rule" of habit change: every habit consists of three components: a cue, the behavior, and a reward; effective habit change consists of keeping the cue and reward the same, but changing the behavior itself. What I like about this (though Duhigg himself doesn't use these words) is it also incorporates mindfulness and introspection: being very mindful and present to the specific cues (feelings in one's body, thoughts in one's mind) and being very analytical and specific about the actual reward itself (e.g. thinking I want that warm, soft cookie simply because it's delicious versus triggering something in my brain around warmth, comfort, safety, and security).
At the same time, though, as I quickly scanned the book for some magic formula to help me with habit change, there was a voice inside me saying, "You know this already..." Ah yes, that big gulf between what we know and what we do.
So for my benefit (as well as perhaps yours if you find this helpful), here are my top five learnings about individual behavior change over the last year... it's certainly a journey and I'm far from perfect, but these have become my guideposts:
1. For what matters most, choose one linchpin core habit. This is the whole idea of focusing on gratefuls, for instance, rather than the whole list that Gottman provides when it comes to my connection with Tyler. For me personally, morning meditation is another linchpin habit -- focusing on doing that then enables me to do other things I want to do by being more grounded, focused, alert, and clear on what matters... it gets me on the cycle of positive reinforcement for the rest of the day.
2. Link a new habit to something you're already doing. I started writing in our five year journal more, for instance, when I started linking this habit to eating my breakfast. We've started spraying our plants more when we linked this with putting down our black-out shades each night.
3. Don't focus on getting rid of bad habits. Instead, focus on the good. A couple months ago, I wrote about my decision to stop using my smart phone while breastfeeding (I had no idea so many friends read my blog until people started remarking about that! -- definitely struck a cord). Truth be told though, I started off full sprint, but then started to wane. Even the times when the phone was far from sight, my "rule" defeated the purpose of creating this habit in the first place, as all I could think about was all the things I wanted to check on my phone after I was done nursing (instead of simply connecting with Elliot). Now I'm testing a new approach: no more focus on the smartphone. But instead, linking breastfeeding with meditation (see #1), with the specific intention of connection through the meditation itself. I had missed a very basic rule of behavior change: you can't just tell someone what not to do; you have to give them something to do in its place.
4. Get others involved to increase accountability (and make it more fun!). This one's pretty basic (that's why you have gym buddies, yoga buddies... Tyler goes a step further and seems to always have some sort of bet going with one of his colleagues around working out -- right now, it's about doing pull ups). For an introvert like me, I'm finding coaching apps to be incredible for this. I'm using an app now called something like "Couch Potato to 5K" (the name says it all). I've never been so on-track with running and an exercise routine (also, the fact that it's so very feasible -- 3 days a week for no more than 30 minutes each day -- surely plays a role).
5. Solidify the habit on vacation. I've found that vacations are the key to making or breaking a habit. It's a whole new schedule, new environment. There are things that are completely normal for me on vacation that certainly aren't part of my every day (dessert after every meal! ice cream every night!). I've found that I can be on track with a habit or ritual long past the 21 days they say creates a habit, then go away and find it really hasn't stuck at all (new research says the 21-day maxim is all bunk anyway). On the other hand, I can be on a habit for just a week or two, and find that actually doing that habit on vacation is what makes the habit stick. I think it's partly because doing it on vacation makes it move from what you do (a verb), to who you are (a noun). For instance, running during my long reunion weekend in Boston over Memorial Day weekend created the transition from a habit I was trying to cultivate (running), to changing my own perception of myself and who I am ("I'm a runner. That's why I run shortly after checking into my hotel.")
So that's what I know about creating habits. On the gulf between what we know and what we do... well, that's harder. Knowing that Elliot is going to wake up soon from his morning nap, here are just a few insights on sustainability and ongoing improvement:
1. Rapid testing. Tim Ferriss is a guru of this, and Duhigg talks about it in his book as well. Test what works (and doesn't), and make these cycles as rapid as possible (this is exactly what we do and teach at work too, except we use the fancier improvement science term Plan-Do-Study-Act). This helps you understand what works for you and build on it.
2. Measurement. There are two quotes I nerdily love about measurement: "You can't improve what you don't measure" and (from my African colleagues): "You can't fatten a cow by weighing it." Tracking helps keep us on track and measure improvement. I personally have found checklists to be super helpful (and used all the time during pregnancy to make sure I was eating well and drinking enough water). And Tyler talks all the time about gamification (partly why I love my 5K running app so much -- it's so much like a game, and who doesn't love seeing all their stats).
3. Ensuring the benefits outweigh the costs. Basic economics from the woman who changed her major from econ in college... A positive habit has lasting power when the benefits of doing it outweigh the costs (of course, this has to be seen and internalized in present day utility terms, not sometime out in the future.... which is why getting people to quit smoking because it causes cancer sometime in the distant future hardly ever works). I've seen this myself in day-to-day life -- not only in the case of our gratefuls (spoken about above), but in myself as well: when I start to feel irritated and annoyed at life, I stop and consider how I'm doing on my habit/ritual of morning meditation. When I start to feel depressed and down, I stop and consider how I've been doing on my habit of getting to bed by 10pm each night (both easier and harder with a baby). The cost of twenty minutes of morning meditation is quite low compared to the benefit of that joyous calm for the rest of the day. One of my teachers replies to the common excuse, "I don't have time to meditate," with: "But you have time to feel like crap?"
4. Getting everything ready beforehand. For me, this often means doing things the night before to get me ready for the day. To get into the habit of drinking enough water each day, I would heat water and put into a Kleen Kanteen the evening before -- getting me started early the next morning and building momentum right away (my current test is boiling eggs the evening before to make sure I'm eating protein the next morning -- when ready-to-eat muesli is so much easier).
So with this, I again return to what habits and rituals I'd like to instill with Elliot. At first, I had a whole long list, but remembered my own golden rule of linchpin habits (which is what started this blog post in my head in the first place). So my daily ritual with Elliot is simple and is simply this: to dance with him every morning.
Ask me how I'm doing in a few months :)
Some say you're drawn to the very work you need yourself (others say the work "finds" you for the exact same reason... those drawn to heal are those who themselves need the most healing, these folks argue). And maybe that's true for me. My work revolves around the very human gap between what we know and what we do.
And as I continue to learn, a key driver of that vast gap are the habits that we -- as individuals, organizations, and systems -- have instilled that now bind us, whether for good (brushing our teeth every day) or for bad (knowing we should go to sleep but watching just one more episode). There's a quote by John Dryden I like that says: "We first make our habits, and then our habits make us."
Now that we're starting to transition from survival mode to one of more sustainability on the home front, I've been giving this topic of habits and rituals more thought recently -- primarily along the lines of considering what rituals I'd like to start with Elliot (I basically define a ritual to be like a habit, but with more intention and purpose, and infused with meaning). The habit and ritual I'm most proud of is doing evening gratefuls with Tyler -- a ritual we began during our engagement. We're far from perfect about doing it every day (especially now with Elliot and our usual schedule being turned topsy-turvy), but we do it more days than not. It's a ritual popularized by Dr. John Gottman (and shared with us by our pre-Cana teacher), and while he focuses on several daily rituals for a happy marriage (asking what your partner is most excited for each morning; focusing on reconnection when you come home from work (our teacher called this "beating the dog" in excitement to see your partner); and the six second kiss), we've found the nightly gratefuls to be the real lynchpin (in fact, when we start to feel less connected or start to snap at each other, I've learned to ask myself: "how have we been doing on our gratefuls?" instead of going down a negative spiral).
This morning, as I watched Elliot sleep, I started to think more about habits and rituals -- even getting my copy of Charles Duhigg's "The Power of Habit Out" (I don't know if this is the marker of a great book or an awful one, but I bought this copy in the airport on my way over to Korea... only to discover when I started reading it on the plane that I had already read it!!!). (As another aside, I had a huge a-ha moment when I realized once Elliot woke up this morning that I can read anything to him for morning reading time... especially when the cover is bright yellow and red, with tactile designs, thank you publishers.)
In it, Duhigg talks about habits both in individuals and in organizations, and writes about the "golden rule" of habit change: every habit consists of three components: a cue, the behavior, and a reward; effective habit change consists of keeping the cue and reward the same, but changing the behavior itself. What I like about this (though Duhigg himself doesn't use these words) is it also incorporates mindfulness and introspection: being very mindful and present to the specific cues (feelings in one's body, thoughts in one's mind) and being very analytical and specific about the actual reward itself (e.g. thinking I want that warm, soft cookie simply because it's delicious versus triggering something in my brain around warmth, comfort, safety, and security).
At the same time, though, as I quickly scanned the book for some magic formula to help me with habit change, there was a voice inside me saying, "You know this already..." Ah yes, that big gulf between what we know and what we do.
So for my benefit (as well as perhaps yours if you find this helpful), here are my top five learnings about individual behavior change over the last year... it's certainly a journey and I'm far from perfect, but these have become my guideposts:
1. For what matters most, choose one linchpin core habit. This is the whole idea of focusing on gratefuls, for instance, rather than the whole list that Gottman provides when it comes to my connection with Tyler. For me personally, morning meditation is another linchpin habit -- focusing on doing that then enables me to do other things I want to do by being more grounded, focused, alert, and clear on what matters... it gets me on the cycle of positive reinforcement for the rest of the day.
2. Link a new habit to something you're already doing. I started writing in our five year journal more, for instance, when I started linking this habit to eating my breakfast. We've started spraying our plants more when we linked this with putting down our black-out shades each night.
3. Don't focus on getting rid of bad habits. Instead, focus on the good. A couple months ago, I wrote about my decision to stop using my smart phone while breastfeeding (I had no idea so many friends read my blog until people started remarking about that! -- definitely struck a cord). Truth be told though, I started off full sprint, but then started to wane. Even the times when the phone was far from sight, my "rule" defeated the purpose of creating this habit in the first place, as all I could think about was all the things I wanted to check on my phone after I was done nursing (instead of simply connecting with Elliot). Now I'm testing a new approach: no more focus on the smartphone. But instead, linking breastfeeding with meditation (see #1), with the specific intention of connection through the meditation itself. I had missed a very basic rule of behavior change: you can't just tell someone what not to do; you have to give them something to do in its place.
4. Get others involved to increase accountability (and make it more fun!). This one's pretty basic (that's why you have gym buddies, yoga buddies... Tyler goes a step further and seems to always have some sort of bet going with one of his colleagues around working out -- right now, it's about doing pull ups). For an introvert like me, I'm finding coaching apps to be incredible for this. I'm using an app now called something like "Couch Potato to 5K" (the name says it all). I've never been so on-track with running and an exercise routine (also, the fact that it's so very feasible -- 3 days a week for no more than 30 minutes each day -- surely plays a role).
5. Solidify the habit on vacation. I've found that vacations are the key to making or breaking a habit. It's a whole new schedule, new environment. There are things that are completely normal for me on vacation that certainly aren't part of my every day (dessert after every meal! ice cream every night!). I've found that I can be on track with a habit or ritual long past the 21 days they say creates a habit, then go away and find it really hasn't stuck at all (new research says the 21-day maxim is all bunk anyway). On the other hand, I can be on a habit for just a week or two, and find that actually doing that habit on vacation is what makes the habit stick. I think it's partly because doing it on vacation makes it move from what you do (a verb), to who you are (a noun). For instance, running during my long reunion weekend in Boston over Memorial Day weekend created the transition from a habit I was trying to cultivate (running), to changing my own perception of myself and who I am ("I'm a runner. That's why I run shortly after checking into my hotel.")
So that's what I know about creating habits. On the gulf between what we know and what we do... well, that's harder. Knowing that Elliot is going to wake up soon from his morning nap, here are just a few insights on sustainability and ongoing improvement:
1. Rapid testing. Tim Ferriss is a guru of this, and Duhigg talks about it in his book as well. Test what works (and doesn't), and make these cycles as rapid as possible (this is exactly what we do and teach at work too, except we use the fancier improvement science term Plan-Do-Study-Act). This helps you understand what works for you and build on it.
2. Measurement. There are two quotes I nerdily love about measurement: "You can't improve what you don't measure" and (from my African colleagues): "You can't fatten a cow by weighing it." Tracking helps keep us on track and measure improvement. I personally have found checklists to be super helpful (and used all the time during pregnancy to make sure I was eating well and drinking enough water). And Tyler talks all the time about gamification (partly why I love my 5K running app so much -- it's so much like a game, and who doesn't love seeing all their stats).
3. Ensuring the benefits outweigh the costs. Basic economics from the woman who changed her major from econ in college... A positive habit has lasting power when the benefits of doing it outweigh the costs (of course, this has to be seen and internalized in present day utility terms, not sometime out in the future.... which is why getting people to quit smoking because it causes cancer sometime in the distant future hardly ever works). I've seen this myself in day-to-day life -- not only in the case of our gratefuls (spoken about above), but in myself as well: when I start to feel irritated and annoyed at life, I stop and consider how I'm doing on my habit/ritual of morning meditation. When I start to feel depressed and down, I stop and consider how I've been doing on my habit of getting to bed by 10pm each night (both easier and harder with a baby). The cost of twenty minutes of morning meditation is quite low compared to the benefit of that joyous calm for the rest of the day. One of my teachers replies to the common excuse, "I don't have time to meditate," with: "But you have time to feel like crap?"
4. Getting everything ready beforehand. For me, this often means doing things the night before to get me ready for the day. To get into the habit of drinking enough water each day, I would heat water and put into a Kleen Kanteen the evening before -- getting me started early the next morning and building momentum right away (my current test is boiling eggs the evening before to make sure I'm eating protein the next morning -- when ready-to-eat muesli is so much easier).
So with this, I again return to what habits and rituals I'd like to instill with Elliot. At first, I had a whole long list, but remembered my own golden rule of linchpin habits (which is what started this blog post in my head in the first place). So my daily ritual with Elliot is simple and is simply this: to dance with him every morning.
Ask me how I'm doing in a few months :)
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