The most wonderful time of the year

Since I've lived in Seoul, Thanksgiving has always marked the transition week from autumn to winter -- at least in terms of weather.  Literally, the winter puffy coat has come out on Thanksgiving each year on the dot.  This year, with the temperature hovering around freezing all week, has been no different.  More posts to come about autumn (my favorite season of the year!), but for now, a celebration of the holiday season, which officially kicked off yesterday!! (extra sweet this year since Thanksgiving fell on the same day as my mom's birthday)

Thanksgiving is always a bittersweet holiday in the life of an expat.  For the last two years, we celebrated "Friendsgiving" with possibly the most delicious holiday spread we've had (no offense family!!), hosted by our friend Alana, a pastry chef from NYC.  This year, we celebrated at WeWork -- which had an impressive spread including turkey, brussel sprouts, and of course, pumpkin pie (between a hungry Filipina and a former fat kid, you can bet there was a lot of strategizing taking place).  We gave thanks for our blessed lives, largely summed up by who was waiting for us at home:

Every year since the first year we dated (2007), we've been keeping a gratitude journal that we write in each Thanksgiving.  Of course, family tops the list every time.  Living abroad, it's easy to meet expats who seem to run away from family; we often remark how lucky we are to have found someone who's so close to family, yet still true to one's passion of international travel and exploration.  

I spoke to my family (parents, cousins, and aunt/uncle) this morning over FaceTime -- which of course has now become 0% about me and 100% Elliot TV.  While it's hard living so far -- especially during the holidays -- it's always nice knowing the rest of our families are together right now.  We got this photo earlier in the day from LA:

And in extra special news... drumroll... our Aunt Lori and Uncle Leo got MARRIED this week!!! -- you can see the happy lovey dovey newly weds on the right of the pic above.  CONGRATS Aunt Lori and Uncle Leo!!!  We love you!!!!

In fact, with the only possible exception of my dad, I don't know anyone who Elliot fell more instantly in love with than Aunt Lori.  As soon as he met her (this past summer in LA), he had an instant huge smile and reached out his arms for her to hold him.  For easily the next hour, all he wanted to do was snuggle next to her:

Of course, there was love for Leo too (I love this pic with Elliot's tiny hand on top of Leo's massive one):

For the whole time I've known them, Lori and Leo have always seemed married (when Lori told her mother Elaine (Elliot's great grandmother), she asked: "But aren't you already married?").  But it's always extra special to officially celebrate love and ever-after.  Cheers to Mr. and Mrs. Presley -- we love you guys!!

Two Wolves

There's an old Cherokee legend that I love.  It's a grandfather talking to his grandson, telling him about a terrible fight going on inside him against two wolves: one is evil (anger, envy, greed, arrogance, lies, superiority, and ego); the other is good (love, peace, hope, serenity, kindness, compassion, and faith).  The grandson thinks about it for a minute and then asks: "which wolf will win?"  The grandfather states simply: "The one you feed."

On a macro level, this is exactly what I feel is happening in America right now.

I woke up feeling resigned but finally starting to accept the new reality.  Then I checked email and saw this link that Andrew sent about Day 1 in Trump's America:
https://twitter.com/i/moments/796417517157830656

It's scary, vicious, and so so full of hate... and I have to believe that by definition, these are the most extreme examples, notable because they are so beyond the norm... And perhaps by exposing to the light what was hidden in shadows, we can now actually do something about it (the Avenue Q song: "Everybody's a Little Racist Sometimes" draws laughs in that there is truth... we are all a bit racist, and sexist, and fearful of the "other").  AND the hatred espoused in that twitter link is so much scarier and uglier and full of vitriol than I have ever thought or expected in our country.

So that's one wolf, and sadly it seems it's not hard to find examples of all the hatred and ugliness.

And the other wolf is love.  I got an email this morning called "Practicing the Dharma in Uncertain Times."  It's from a teacher I admire, who tells us to "take time to quiet the mind and tend to the heart...then go out to look at the sky" -- to remember the vastness, to remember there are seasons to all things, and to learn equanimity and steadiness from the trees.

Yes, perhaps I'll get there one day.  But today is not the day.  To me, that feels like some political form of spiritual bypassing -- where you push your anger and sadness and disappointment and hurt and questioning down down down... and smile at the trees and look for silver linings.

Yesterday I was all about taking action and being the change... today I'm feeling much more internal and introspective... In our first week as Acumen Fellows, we talked about the idea of a "philosopher king" -- someone who is reflective and introspective, while also is about action and change.  I'm realizing that in this too, there is a dance.  taking it all in, being in action, being in service.  And yes, being angry.

But here's the thing. in a country as diverse as America, we will always be divisive about what to do with our anger.  There's Michael Moore's "to do" list solution that includes preparing to impeach Trump.  There's all the people who are protesting the election results (I was actually shocked to hear this, perhaps I live in an even bigger expat-bubble than I realized).  There's Aaron Sorkin's letter to his daughter that is now going viral online.

As much as I feel anger and disappointment and loss, I also want to be mindful of which wolf I feed inside me.  Because in the toxic political environment we find ourselves in now, we all seem so quick to point our finger at the "other" -- versus first looking within ourselves.  We seem so quick to espouse our views with certainty, rather than truly addressing this with genuine curiosity and introspection.  I mean, I get it -- I look at the twitter link and the last thing I want to do is be genuinely curious.

But I also must believe that these are just the fringes.  The majority of those who voted for Trump are not members of the KKK (as much as I like Aaron Sorkin, elements of his letter only feed the immense gulf of understanding in our country), do not condone sexual assault (I must believe that), and do not feel that immigrants should be deported en masse (please let this be true).  They voted for change.  Which is exactly what I and so many of my peers and community voted for in 2008 with Obama.

There's a great TED talk that came to mind in the days following the election: link here.  In it, Simon Sinek presents a simple framework around leaders, beginning with a core "why".  Stemming from this core circle are larger circles: the "how", and finally, the "what".  Everything I'm reading, it seems we are so focused on the "what" -- and barely listening to each other at that.  While I'm far from having any answers, it seems that part of the healing journey needs to be from spewing the outer "what", to truly listening to one another's inner "why".

And with that, I'll end this rambly top-of-mind post with a website that my friend and former colleague, James Dunbar, is building called: https://www.moreperfect-listen.org/

It's an opportunity to just listen to others with vastly different backgrounds and life situation than yours.  The first and nearly only rule is: Don't be an asshole.

I just signed up for beta testing; click on the link above if you're moved to do the same.

Oh, and those wolves?  I have to believe my teacher, Rochelle Schieck: "Inevitably, we know how this ends.  Inevitably, we always come back to love."

America, I know we'll get there.

Post-Election Day Hangover

Whew, if I'm not more careful, this blog will start to resemble my journals from growing up: looking like I'm always depressed and upset because I only write when I'm, well... depressed and upset.  I just re-read my last post (was that really two months ago?) and remembering the sense of loss and sadness I had moving out of our Prugio apartment...

And today, try as I will to make my morning green smoothie and hunker down to work, all I can seem to do is go down the online rabbit hole, clicking article after article on the election (someone please explain this!!!) and refreshing my facebook feed (it's now 2pm and I've only just taken my shower).

For most of the election year, I was honestly checked out.  The daughter of staunch and loyal Republicans (Fox News is always blaring when I come home), Bill Clinton always seemed a bit slimy to me; perhaps a remnant of that, I didn't "like" or "trust" Hillary Clinton, but I couldn't tell you why.  I generally agreed with the high-level story line that this year's election was about choosing the lesser of two evils.

Until "pussygate".  And the presidential debate days after it.  And realizing with a sinking knot in my chest that if Hillary Clinton were a man, I would actively support him.  ME.  Someone who talks about having soul sisters and reads books about the rising feminine and even Pussy: A Reclamation (yes, even before the leaked tape with Billy Bush).  Talk about an introspection and a slap in the face.

So then I started reading more about actual plans and proposed policies (hard when one of the candidates doesn't seem to have any), as well looking deeper at all the scandals being thrown around the news.  And while I came to the table late on this one, the choice became so blindingly clear.  It was no longer about choosing the lesser of two evils.  

It literally felt like a choice between good and evil itself.  And if that's way too dramatic and stark (something I'm prone to), then surely between progress and regression.  The choice was so stark: electing the most capable, experienced candidate -- who happened to be a woman, thereby breaking the highest glass ceiling in our land; versus a big bully who sexually assaults women (not to mention denigrates veterans, parents of war heroes, the list goes on...).

The morning before the election, I made calls for Hillary.  I was all in.  When Elliot started to get impatient with my calls, I picked him up and explained to him why this was so important: "We're helping get the first mom elected president; this is a big deal!"  I explained that maybe his sister might want to run for office... or his wife (when I told this story to Tyler after, he quickly quipped: "Or his husband")  We went to bed giddy with excitement, with Tyler literally saying, "It feels like tomorrow is Christmas Day."

Of course, it didn't quite turn out like that.  When Tyler called me on my morning hike to tell me the early results, I thought he was just being dramatic.  And then the news never got better.

To say I'm disappointed and shocked is an understatement.  It feels like such a loss -- exacerbated by the fact that it all felt so sure earlier in the week (I now can't believe that Tyler and I were debating whether she would be elected a second term).  My eyes are puffy from crying, and my heart is still heavy and sad.

And still...

More than ever, I am proud to be an American.  I really never thought I'd say that after a Trump victory (so much of our expat political conversations have been about how embarrassing it is that he's running for President).  But watching both Obama and Clinton's speeches this morning (back-to-back with Obama's speech in North Carolina where he got angry at people who were booing a Trump supporter; SO worth seeing - link here), it is clear how much stronger our democracy and institutions are than any one person and any one election.  With all we've seen living and working abroad, we know this isn't always the case.

And as disappointed as I am, I am also inspired.  More inspired than I've been in a long time to take action and be the change to co-create the world we want to live in.  And grateful to be part of a community of thinkers, doers, and change-makers who fill my social media feeds with talk of hope trumping fear, unity triumphing over division, and love over hate.

My mentor, Jacqueline Novogratz, talks about moving forward, reaching across divides, listening from a place of inquiry -- rather than certainty -- and being part of the healing.  My friend James lists all the progress that has happened in this election: the first Latina, first Indian-American, and first Thai-American elected to the U.S. Senate; the first openly-LGBTQ politician elected Governor.  

This is the America that I'm proud of. 

As Theodore Parker wrote: "The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends towards justice."

And from Hillary's speech this morning: "Let us not lose heart.  For there are more seasons to come and there is more work to do."

Onwards.