Whew, if I'm not more careful, this blog will start to resemble my journals from growing up: looking like I'm always depressed and upset because I only write when I'm, well... depressed and upset. I just re-read my last post (was that really two months ago?) and remembering the sense of loss and sadness I had moving out of our Prugio apartment...
And today, try as I will to make my morning green smoothie and hunker down to work, all I can seem to do is go down the online rabbit hole, clicking article after article on the election (someone please explain this!!!) and refreshing my facebook feed (it's now 2pm and I've only just taken my shower).
For most of the election year, I was honestly checked out. The daughter of staunch and loyal Republicans (Fox News is always blaring when I come home), Bill Clinton always seemed a bit slimy to me; perhaps a remnant of that, I didn't "like" or "trust" Hillary Clinton, but I couldn't tell you why. I generally agreed with the high-level story line that this year's election was about choosing the lesser of two evils.
Until "pussygate". And the presidential debate days after it. And realizing with a sinking knot in my chest that if Hillary Clinton were a man, I would actively support him. ME. Someone who talks about having soul sisters and reads books about the rising feminine and even Pussy: A Reclamation (yes, even before the leaked tape with Billy Bush). Talk about an introspection and a slap in the face.
So then I started reading more about actual plans and proposed policies (hard when one of the candidates doesn't seem to have any), as well looking deeper at all the scandals being thrown around the news. And while I came to the table late on this one, the choice became so blindingly clear. It was no longer about choosing the lesser of two evils.
It literally felt like a choice between good and evil itself. And if that's way too dramatic and stark (something I'm prone to), then surely between progress and regression. The choice was so stark: electing the most capable, experienced candidate -- who happened to be a woman, thereby breaking the highest glass ceiling in our land; versus a big bully who sexually assaults women (not to mention denigrates veterans, parents of war heroes, the list goes on...).
The morning before the election, I made calls for Hillary. I was all in. When Elliot started to get impatient with my calls, I picked him up and explained to him why this was so important: "We're helping get the first mom elected president; this is a big deal!" I explained that maybe his sister might want to run for office... or his wife (when I told this story to Tyler after, he quickly quipped: "Or his husband") We went to bed giddy with excitement, with Tyler literally saying, "It feels like tomorrow is Christmas Day."
Of course, it didn't quite turn out like that. When Tyler called me on my morning hike to tell me the early results, I thought he was just being dramatic. And then the news never got better.
To say I'm disappointed and shocked is an understatement. It feels like such a loss -- exacerbated by the fact that it all felt so sure earlier in the week (I now can't believe that Tyler and I were debating whether she would be elected a second term). My eyes are puffy from crying, and my heart is still heavy and sad.
And still...
More than ever, I am proud to be an American. I really never thought I'd say that after a Trump victory (so much of our expat political conversations have been about how embarrassing it is that he's running for President). But watching both Obama and Clinton's speeches this morning (back-to-back with Obama's speech in North Carolina where he got angry at people who were booing a Trump supporter; SO worth seeing - link here), it is clear how much stronger our democracy and institutions are than any one person and any one election. With all we've seen living and working abroad, we know this isn't always the case.
And as disappointed as I am, I am also inspired. More inspired than I've been in a long time to take action and be the change to co-create the world we want to live in. And grateful to be part of a community of thinkers, doers, and change-makers who fill my social media feeds with talk of hope trumping fear, unity triumphing over division, and love over hate.
My mentor, Jacqueline Novogratz, talks about moving forward, reaching across divides, listening from a place of inquiry -- rather than certainty -- and being part of the healing. My friend James lists all the progress that has happened in this election: the first Latina, first Indian-American, and first Thai-American elected to the U.S. Senate; the first openly-LGBTQ politician elected Governor.
This is the America that I'm proud of.
As Theodore Parker wrote: "The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends towards justice."
And from Hillary's speech this morning: "Let us not lose heart. For there are more seasons to come and there is more work to do."
Onwards.
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